Life as I know it.
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I wish I could show you when you are lonely or in darkness the astonishing light of your own being. - Hafiz of Shiraz. I feel like I’m just now beginning to discover the full extent of my power. Most days I feel so sure of my path and other days the fog rolls in strong. Just keep walking despite the doubt. Let faith replace fear. A song I love, that I’d like to dedicate to you, anyone reading this, is Outnumbered by Dermot Kennedy. You are a spectacle of reality. Pure light experiencing itself through exploration. This is something you already know, you just need to remember. A few random thoughts: • Plant medicine is amazing. • Sex is a gateway to the divine. • Meditation is the key to unlocking everything. • Nothing matters. Except it does. Except it doesn’t. You are magic ✨
Love is not something you fall into. It cannot make you crazy or head over heels. Love is an immediate reciprocation, Loving another is loving yourself, Loving yourself is loving others. Because We are all one collective. One light spread across the earth as billions of fractals. Conventional society has made a mess of relationships - so many demands, expectations, and obligations. Some rooted so deeply into the subconscious we aren’t even aware of them. Last year, I dismantled the construct of relationships for myself. Torn down and shred apart. I am currently in the process of rebuilding my understanding of partnership in the purest and most sensible way I can. I have explored the notions of open relationships and discussed in detail the rationale of monogamy. I find myself walking the line between both, neither side of the fence appeals to me because both still seem smothering. This quote by Osho makes the most sense to me because it defines love as synonymous with freedom. You do not GIVE freedom in love, love IS freedom. Two individuals who experience love need not to define, demand, or desire. Instead, they move as individuals down respective paths, whether those paths converge or diverge is up to free will, not love, not agreements, plans, promises, contracts, or anything else. Love is freedom. That’s all I got for now.
I have always been good at doing things on my own. If you’ve known me at anytime since I was 16, you can probably attest to the fact that I’ve, for the most part, taken care of myself. Radical self-reliance to this degree has a lot of advantages: * Freedom * Knowledge/Experience * Financial independence * Dignity + Self-respect * Confidence * etc. However, this autocracy, though wildly respected in modern society, also has its downsides. It has isolated me in many ways. It is incredibly difficult for me to ask for or accept assistance - a challenge in forming friendships, romantic relationships, and community. Right now I am experiencing what I can only hope to be the most challenging times of my life. For those of you who don’t know: I’ve been my mom’s legal guardian for nearly 3 years now. She has dementia, and she’s dying. I have her here with me in DR. Finally finding a good system of care and a beautiful environment. What she deserves. Angels found me in the form of nurses and landlords. They are a huge help, but I still run the show. And it’s a hard show to run. These days I find myself yearning for someone to take care of me. To support me in daily to-dos and sometimes be the one to drive. Someone who speaks my love language (cuddles and compliments) and take me on adventures. A tag-team. Someone capable of accepting my love and support as well. Whose strengths complement my weaknesses and chore preference differs from mine - an “I’ll do the dishes, you sweep the floor” kind of deal. I just want to not be asked so many questions and be allowed to be beta for a bit. But ultimately, we all came into this reality having accepted a certain set of experiences necessary for growth. I chose this life and all its challenges. It’s all serving my highest purpose, and for that I am grateful. So if I have to do it alone, that’s a-ok, I got this. Shoutout to all the beautiful people out there taking care of themselves and others. I see you. I’m with you. I love you. It’s all for something.
My life is a mirage of blessings and opportunities these days. I think it’s because I give a lot. Give so profusely - my time, energy, and talents. Give it all, to be of service to my fellow humans, free of expectations or demands; with utmost humility. It can be draining and disheartening at times. But those times are becoming fewer and further between as I learn balance and discretion. What I know for sure is that the universe has taken it upon herself to take care of me; replenish what I’ve given and double the good that I give, right back to me. For that I am eternally grateful. . . . . . . #alignment #higherfrequency #spirituality #alchemy #positivevibes #alchemist #abundance #depression #anxiety #transmuting #spiritual #awakening #soul #energy #enlightenment #wisdom #meditation #innerpeace #lawofattraction #selflove #manifest #metamorphosis #spiritualgrowth #selfawareness #selfactualization #spiritualexpansion
Surround yourself with people who think lovely thoughts, say lovely things, give lovely light. Who live in gratitude and share their stoke about the life they live. The ones who look around where you both live, in wonder and amazement, and ask rhetorically ‘wow, you live here?’ or shout ‘what a life!’ The kind of people who complement your positive perspective or bring you back to it when yours may be dwindling. The people who give more compliments than complaints. Who tell you how good they’re feeling that day or of a time they felt alive. Be wary of those who throw their sadness and pain onto you. Especially if you’re the type to take it on. From now onwards, the chairs at my table only pull out for people who think before they do and act more than they speak. . . . . . #higherself #vibratehigher #alignment #higherfrequency #spirituality #alchemy #positivevibes #alchemist #abundance #depression #anxiety #transmuting #spiritual #awakening #soul #energy #enlightenment #wisdom #meditation #innerpeace #lawofattraction #selflove #manifest #metamorphosis #spiritualgrowth #selfawareness #selfactualization #spiritualexpansion
I kept searching for something outside of myself. Something to fill the void and/or quiet the constant, turbulent thoughts that say something is missing. Is it food? Sleep? Love? Touch? I don’t think so. I’ve had all of that, at the same time. There’s a little relief, but then the feelings return. Nagging, pestering. I sit with myself for a few hours, fall into a mid-level meditation and repeat mantras of positivity and self love. It helps, it really helps. But, it’s a temporary fix - like ibuprofen. I want something stronger. Something instantaneous, that takes no effort on my part. Xanax? Prozac? Zoloft? Lexapro? Paxil? Give me something to make it easier. Please. I beg. But then I think... Those packed parcels of propaganda won’t fix my pain, only numb it. Hide it from me. And how can I work on what I can’t see? Can’t feel? No. I’ll suffer instead. I’ll let my pain force me into making the choices that lead to living authentically, instead of aiding my inauthenticity. I choose to feel my pain. Feel it fully. And if it drives me to abandon all the things I’ve used to build my identity: work, hobbies, people, places. Well, so be it. Good riddance. Yes. I choose drastic change. I choose courage. I choose unconventional. I choose crazy. I choose rewiring. I choose naturopathy > allopathy. ✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨ I CHOSE. Because I wrote this over a year ago, in September 2018. And now I live in bliss. In learning, healing, and magic. I am exactly who I want to be, living a dream life of getting to wake up every day and choose what I want to do. Surf til noon, eat, then nap? I can do that as often as I want to. Because I chose to heal the hard way, the only way. I rose my frequency and by doing so, manifested the life I wanted, the life that corresponds with my soul. You can only call in what you resonate with. Desire does not direct the dream, development does. Self-realization does. Meditation does. So yeah, unlike medication, meditation can actually cure – not just treat. So, here’s to more meditation and less medication. Your soul is begging you.